Writers block?? 

Slmz.. my wonderful readers (if i even have any left) 🙊🙈😭 hope you are all well 🤗

So I know I’ve been a very very bad blogger and I’m sure everyone has given up hope on me and my story and honestly speaking I would have too.. 

I have run out of excuses also.. basically my plan this year was to post once a week and keep my readers happy and on their toes with all the excitement.. buut it seems like my mind had other plans as I have serious writers block.. my mind is completely blocked and I have no idea what to write.. I have no motivation to wrote either.. 

Please please be patient and bear with me.. make day for me so my mind opens up and I can start writing again.. it is very frustrating and depressing not being able to write..

So so sorry again for not posting.. hope I still have some if any readers left 🙈🙈😭😭

Please comment and give me ideas on how to get over this please..

Jazakallah khair..



Part 114. Zaeem. (one year later)

*salaam everyone, just a small warning, this post has many things that are NOT islamic, please DON’T think I am promoting haraam, I am not..


Also please DO read the note at the end, especially you shazia..


Oh and not to forget thank you shaz for letting me feature Nemo in my post..


This quite a long post, so I hope you all enjoy it..


Toodalooes xx*

“ psst zaeem wake up! “

“ zeeeem! “

“ oh shit. “

Before i could process what was happening i felt the ice cold liquid drip down my collar and with a shock my head flew up spraying water on everyone around me, rubbing my eyes i remembered where i was, and groaned loudly, there was no getting out of this anymore.

“ GET. OUT. OF. MY. CLASS! “ she said through her gritted teeth.

There was no point arguing with her, so i grabbed my bag stuffing all my things in it and got up, looking in her eyes, i passed my hand through my hair, spraying water on her, and as she flinched i walked away, the eyes of the whole lecture room on me. I knew i was in deep shit now, but i couldn’t care less.

I walked around aimlessly, no direction in mind, until i reached the park and let myself collapse on the bench, my head dropping in my hands i sighed in frustration. Suddenly i felt a nudge on my shoulder, looking up i groaned inwardly, why couldn’t they all just leave me alone.

“ yo wasup! “ the tall black guy said with a grin.

I couldn’t even remember what his name was, i was barely ever sober enough to remember any of their names anymore.

i let my head drop back into my hands mumbling, “ got kicked out of class. “

“ well i got a job for you if you’re interested, but it has to go down like now. you up for it? “ he said his voice dropping down a notch.

My eyes narrowed at him not knowing if i should get into this, “ yo what is it? “

He shook his head, “ i’ll tell you if you’re in. “

“ k. im in. “ i said, having nothing better to do.

He grinned and with a slap on my back ranted off, “ in round 10 minutes you have to be at the other end of the park, behind the southside entrance, my car is in the corner, a black mustang will come, caucasian guy, long hair tied up into a ponytail, he will have muscle with him though, but don’t worry, our muscle is in my car. He is bringing the new stock, 5 backs of E, 6 of coke, 5 of H. Yo you will have to test em all out, you the only one I’m trusting with this shit, don’t let me down. “ he ended off with a warning.

And with a glance at my watch i sprinted off, reaching there just in time. Just as i got to the car i heard the rev of the engine as the mustang came into sight. I waited until the car came into sight and i watched as the ponytail guy came out of the car, i sighed in relief, he didn’t seem to be that scary, but then his muscle got out and i knew this could go wrong in so many ways.

I walked over to him as he opened the car door, he gave me a look from up to down and back up, then nodded to his guy, my breath hitched up as he stomped his way towards me, i realised he was coming to check if i was armed as he got nearer. Of course i wasn’t prepared for this so i was definitely not armed, i just hope the guy in our car is armed, or else i am absolutely screwed.

As soon as i got cleared, ponytail started showing me the things, he tried to just do things quickly but of course i needed to make sure it was all legit.

“ i gotta prove this stuff is legit bro. “ i said, watching his eyes narrowing at me as i spoke.

We stared at each other for a full 5 minutes and seeing as he didn’t move an inch i decided to be brave and started walking away.

“ yo! get the fuck over here! i don’t got all day! “

A small smile played on my face before i turned around a little more seriously, and walked over to see the goods. After checking all the bags and confirming it was all legit, i brought out the bag of money from the car, waiting as they checked it out, and then with a nod they left, and i sat in the car with a sigh of relief, driving off to the main spot.

At the traffic lights, i saw two girls walk across with a guy pushing a stroller, laughing away and talking to each other and felt a pang, thinking back to last year…

Liyana, Arya and I took Zuhayr to the park nearly everyday that summer, we were all so happy then, i had been feeling so good being clean for so long, i kept boasting to anyone who would listen, about how i would never touch drugs, little did i know that within a few months i would have to eat my own words up…

Luckily we didn’t get stopped by any cops and we reached the garage safely, we met the black guy there and after giving me my cut i took off to my apartment. 

Sam was waiting for me and as i walked in he put his phone down and sighed in relief the worry lines visible on his forehead, “ wtf dude! where you been? ive been worried. been calling you for so long! “

“ my phone died, i was just at the park bro, relax. “ i shrugged not in the mood for a talk and walked into my room, shutting the door behind me and taking some aspirins i fell off to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later feeling better and my headache gone altogether, I jumped out of bed and walked into the kitchen to fill my stomach with some food. As I ate I watched some tv, engrossing myself in the basketball game that was coming on.

Just as the game finished the flat door opened and Sam came in, a huge grin on his face, ” oh good you’re up, get dressed bro I’ve got us and invite to the party of the month. We have to go! “

” right then, which girl has you going so crazy about this party now? ” I laughed at his enthusiasm.

He rolled his eyes at my sarcasm, ” don’t get too cocky, you know you’ll be the first one hitting on them all. “

Putting my plate in the sink I turned to him with a grin, ” I cant help it now can I, my charm is just so irresistible. “

Ducking his punch I went for a shower, getting ready for the party, it took me a while to decide on what to wear, as of course I had to look good. After many tries I finally decided on black jeans, grey shirt, a blazer over, and I added a scarf to give it a better look, of course not forgetting my hat, the new thing I had going now. Well I couldn’t complain as it brought all the girls running.

Drowning myself in perfume, I walked out of my room just as Sam walked out of his all dressed up too. ” ready to leave bro? ” he grinned at me.

” come here first for a sec. ” I said motioning him to the kitchen, taking the packet out of my pocket, I put it on the table as he came next to me. ” lets hit this up for a boost. ” I said pouring the contents on the table and starting to sort out my lines.

” yo! Where and when did you hit this up? ” he asked as he sorted his lines.

” at the park, I got lucky today I guess. ” I shrugged threw snorts.

Feeling the rush go to my head I sighed my head falling back in pleasure, I sat like that for a few minutes before opening my eyes, ” hurry brother, the girls are waiting. ” I slapped Sam on his shoulder, walking to the door.

As we neared the venue, we could hear the blasting music, and I already felt at home. This was the life. Music, booze, drugs and girls, what more could I have asked for. Sam and I were having the time of our lives. Sam showed the bouncer at the door our invites and we walked in, I was speechless. The place looked spectacular.

We walked over to the bar and Sam asked for two beers, handing one to me we took our first sips turning around to view the scene ahead of us. Soon we were surrounded by girls, and being the attention seekers we were we soaked all the attention up.

It started with one beer, which then went on to martinis and shots, and after that god only knows what else. I was too high to remember much else of what went down my throat that night. At around 4 a.m we stumbled out of the party with a girl hanging on to each arm, taking our own party back to the flat to finish off our night with a seal….

4 months later..


The constant ringing of my phone woke me out of my deep sleep, rubbing my eyes I looked at the time, 3 a.m. who the hell is calling me at this time? I checked my phone, not recognising the number and answered just in time.

” hello? “

” hello sir, is this Mr Naeem Moola? ” an american accent spoke back to me.

A feeling of dread started creeping up on me, ” er yes this is Naeem, how can I help you? “

I heard a sigh before the monotone voice continued, ” sir we have a patient with us here and as an emergency contact you have been put down, may I know your relationship to Mr Zaeem Moosa please. “

That feeling of dread increased by the second, ” what do you mean patient? ” I asked.

” I am sorry, I cannot disclose information unless its family, so I will ask you again, what is your relationship with Mr moosa? ” I could sense the irritation in his voice.

I knew I had to lie to get the information I needed, ” I am a far related cousin, but we are very close. Now may you tell me what is going on? ” the desperation evident in my voice.

The line was quiet for a while but I could hear him breathing heavily, ” okay, I’m not sure if I should believe you, but as you are the only contact I could find, and I cannot waste anymore time, I will have to tell you, ” he sighed. ” Mr Zaeem was in an accident, he is in a very terrible state, and we need to make several operations on him, for any chance of survival. 

Unfortunately he is the only survivor of the accident and his chances are slim to none, but we shall try our best, we just need consent to go ahead. “

My heart stopped for a few seconds, my mind not accepting what he was saying, how could this have happened? I could picture his grin and hear his laugh, and to think he might not make it scared the shit out of me.

” sir are you there? “

” sir? “

I pulled myself together, ” yes I’m here. ” I said, my voice croaking.

” there is something else, ” he said, his voice faltering, his tone made my forehead crease in worry.

” the alcohol level in his system was too high, from all the marks on his arm and the pumping we had to do from his stomach, it is evident he was a drug abuser. ” I knew what was coming even before he said it, I just had that feeling of dread in me which wouldn’t leave.

I made a decision at that point which I hoped wouldn’t turn bad, ” he used to be a drug abuser, but I helped him get over it, I guess he must have relapsed, and has been lying to me. ” I sighed as I explained it all to him.

” I am too far to come and sign any papers and give my consent, but I will give you his fathers number, please call him he will come immediately, I just have one request please. ” I prayed silently for Zaeem that my plan worked out.

” what request sir? “

” please do not tell his parents about the drugs and alcohol in his system, I will take the next flight out and come down there and explain it all to them, I don’t want them to have a double shock please. “

And after much convincing he agreed…


” honey wake up!! Hurry! “

My eyes popped open at the sound of worry in Yusuf’s voice, ” what’s wrong love? ” I asked, not prepared to hear what he told me next.

He just stared at me for a few seconds, tears pooling in his eyes before he crashed my world with his words, ” Zaeem had an accident, he might not make it. ” he whispered as he broke down, and I froze…







Pulling my phone out from under the pile of books on my desk I checked it in frustration, already hating on whoever was calling me, I got even more frustrated when I saw Arya’s name on my screen, urrrghh they knew not to call me at random hours, I had no time!

” yeah! ” I answered annoyed.

I calmed down when I heard her sniffling, and as she mumbled something away, I felt goosebumps all over my body, ” Arya what is going on? I cannot understand anything that you’re saying. Are mum and dad okay? ” I asked convinced something had happened to either one.

Arya had been home for a few weeks now, and getting a random call from her plus the crying there must be something wrong at home.

” it… its.. Its Zaeem zeeedo. ” she sniffed.

I froze, ” what do you mean its Zaeem? ” I said.

She explained to me how she was woken up by mum and dad crying and when she rushed to them they told her they had just gotten a call saying Zaeem had been in accident and he might not make it.

” I had to keep my emotions in and be strong in front of them, I have never seen them like this zeed, I have never seen dad cry. I called the hospital and managed to get them to arrange a private jet for mum, dad and I, we leave in an hour. You have to come zeed, I cannot do this on my own. “

I assured her I will be there and got to booking my flights and calling Liyana to tell her the news, she didn’t take it very well but I know Adam will take care of her. He assured me he will do their bookings and will be there on the next flight.

As I threw stuff in my bag to take with me, I realised I will have to get leave from my internship, and rushed to the hospital. It took over an hour to get it all done, luckily they understood my situation and let me go.

As I got back to my flat my phone rang, thinking it must be Arya with an update I answered without checking the caller I.D.

” hey everything okay? ” I answered on the first ring.

There was a pause before someone answered, ” salaam bro, you free to talk? “

Confused I checked the number and saw it was Nemo and to say I was surprised was an understatement, I couldn’t even remember the last time I spoke to him, ” wasalaam, yeah I have a few minutes to spare, whats up? “

I didn’t tell him about Zaeem thinking I should just keep it in the family for now, but when he started speaking and what he told me, broke my world, broke me, I couldn’t understand why and how, I couldn’t understand how I hadn’t seen it, why I hadn’t seen it, how I was so blind to it all. And after I calmed down and he answered all my questions, we came up with a plan…

*Author’s note*


* hope you are all well..


Okay so first things first, I know there are many things in this post that are NOT right and certainly NOT permissible in Islam, and by writing this I am NOT promoting any haraam, please don’t read into things that aren’t there…


Secondly.. I wanna give a shout out to Shazia author of Life Love Destiny, I know I said you will not be my favourite person if you end your story the way you did, and although it was beautifully written and brought tears to my eyes.. Actually I lie I bawled reading it lol, I loved every bit of it, and made me love Nemo even more, but yeah it will still take me time to actually like the actual ending the one I was so not happy about, I know you get what I mean lol..


Anyways this is just to say I love you Shaz, you have been a big inspiration to me and my writing, a great friend, and the person I know will always give me the best advice, I could never hate you lol and I don’t think its possible for me to be mad at you.. I hope and pray this friendship of ours and of course the friendship between all us loonys which by the way would never have been possible without you, I pray and hope it always stays strong and I hope and pray we always stay connected..


Thank you for everything, for bringing us together, for our late night laughs together over our crazy posts, for all us crazy loonys becoming so strong together, for all the advice and love..


Please don’t stop your amazing writing, and continue with blogging or even better write a book yaar, you are just too good masha Allah. May Allah always keep you healthy and writing hehe..


Wellllll… hope you all enjoyed this super long post, oh and please comment and let me know what you think of this post and what you this is Nemo and Yazeeds plan..


Toodalooes xx *

Part 113. Yazeed.

” Incoming! Incoming! ”

” 1 male, multiple lacerations, weak pulse, he is bleeding out! ”

” take him to room three! ”

” Dr Charles! patient in room 3! ”

” Mr Moosa come in room 3! ”

Smashing my now empty cup of coffee onto the table i ran out of the interns coffee area straight into room 3.

” Mr Moosa! you do not need to wait for instructions by now! start checking his vitals! ”

I didn’t need to be told twice and there started my job.

An hour later all the tests had been done and the patient was in surgery, today was a completely crazy day, we have been having patients in, one after the other, and all the doctors are working overtime, which means they are all tired and cranky.

I needed some much needed sleep and rest which I was not getting these days, working as a voluntary intern in a crazy busy hospital was definitely no joke, and I now understand why dad kept tellin me to put it off.

I loved it no doubt, but it sucked up any and all of my energy, leaving me completely drained. But enough with the complains. I also understood what my dad had meant when he used to tell me stories of his time as an intern, and the amount of things he had learnt.

It is only week 3 and I have already learnt so much, of course because I was not yet officially an intern and still a medical student they couldn’t allow me to do any of the physical work on patients, except check their vitals. I was in no ways regretting my choice of coming here for the summer.

I walked into the locker room to sit for 5 minutes, before I would have to rush off again, and my eyes fell on the letter I had stuffed in my locker that morning, I couldn’t wait to open it and read what it said, hoping for the best and not the worst.

But as luck would have it, I hadn’t sat down for a minute and I heard my name being called out.

“ God dammit! When im a doctor I shall make sure I treat the interns with more respect! “ I muttered under my breath.

I heard a chuckle behind me and turned to see one of the nurses grinning at me, “ so they all say, but they forget their words as soon as they reach that stage. “ she winked at me with a laugh.

I grinned back taking the worksheet from her, “ ill show you stacy, ill be the different one. “ and with a wink went off.

By the time I reached my apartment it was past 2am, and I had not slept nor eaten anything in literally 24 hours. I was too exhausted to think about food, and gulpin down my thousand cup of coffee I hit the sack, unaware of anything around me.

12 hours later my eyes popped open and I jumped out of bed thinking I was in the hospital, it was only when my eyes landed on my bed I realised I was home and I jumped back in bed. Enjoyin the peace and quiet I let my eyes close and my mind drift off, but my stomach had other ideas and it started rumbling. I pulled on my shorts and walked into the kitchen. My fridge was empty, I hadn’t gotten any time to stock up, and despite my firm resolution of not eating anymore takeout, I had to order in a pizza.

Placing the order I went in for a quick shower, and tidied up around my room, just as I was done the doorbell rang. I got the pizza and switching on the tv I sat watching soccer and devouring the whoe pizza.

With a loud burp I finished off my last bite, grinning to myself as I thought of Arya, she would have slapped the daylights out of me had she been here, for burping out loudly. I actually missed my sister quite a bit, and I was very jealous that all three of them were together while I was alone out here.

Thinking of Arya I remembered my unread letter, I quickly got it from my jacket, and sat down on the sofa, turning the letter over and over, not knowing what to expect. Finally letting go of my fears I opened it and I was so glad I did…


“Dear pen pal,

So, tomorrow I’m leaving for Cape Town for two weeks. I’m really excited because finally we get to go to another place for holiday other than Jo’burg. And I’m really tired of Jo’burg but I really miss Naseeha and Hammad but they’ll be coming in January to visit us so that settles that.

And I miss bhai too. It’s almost four months since he came home, and days since we talked on the phone. He’s been busy with finals so he didn’t have much time to communicate. Which is unfair really and what I don’t understand is that why he’s still MIA even though he finished exams a week ago but I guess it’s because he knew my parents were planning to come over so maybe he’s busy sorting out stuff. But atleast I’ll finally get to see him, right? Anyways, Zak is annoying as ever and I will miss him because mr fancy pants is going to Zanzibar for holiday. I mean Zanzibar. He’s so lucky and even though his parents offered my parents to join them, my parents declined because ‘overseas trips aren’t their thing’.

So, for the next two weeks, it’s me without Zaakir and Zaakir without me. Although, I really wish my parents did overseas trips because I’m pretty sure I would be able to convince them to take a trip to the USA. But the again since Trump is president than there’s no hope for any of us. But maybe you can visit SA again? You don’t need to wait for anyone’s wedding invitation. By the ways I’m still waiting for you to come and put on my necklace…

Hope you’re well and surviving the harsh winter of the West. Give your sister my love and salaams

Yours only,
Nasley xXx”


I laughed as I came to the end of the letter, my heart singing a song of its own, nothing could replace the smile on my face after that, as I knew I hadn’t blown away my chance with her, we were back on repair. And as much as I wanted to call her and hear her voice or facetime her and see her face, I knew I had to take this slow because neither of us were ready for such a big commitment, and I respect her too much to force a relationship down her throat.

Feeling something in the envelope I turned it over, and out fell a few dried up rose petals, they may have dried up but the smell was still so strong as I held them against my nose. Marking the letter as letter number 2 I put it with the first letter in its box.

With a huge grin on my face, I took out my writing pad and began my next letter…


Dear pen pal,

Wow capetown! Babe trust me you will think you are overseas, as it is extremely beautiful, we went for only a week and I wanted to stay for longer, so I hope you don’t envy Zaakir too much, coz you are definitely in an amazing place.

By the time you get this letter you will be back home and I cannot wait to hear how your holiday had been. I got your letter few days back but today is the only chance I have gotten to open it and read it.

This summer I decided not to go home, and stayed back on campus, doing a voluntary internship, and I have not had enough time to rest. My days are literally spent all day and night in the hospital.

I have the worst hours, well that’s what I think anyways lol, some days im at the hospital from 6am till 4am, and do I get a break in those hours, maybe for 5 minutes here and there.

But at the same time it has been the most interesting three weeks of my life, and I have learnt so much, today is my day off and well I spent most of it sleeping away, making the most of it, as im back to long hours from tomorrow.

The one good thing is my dads old friend works here, and during the night he takes me into one of the survey rooms and is teaching me lots. I don’t get to practice on people when they come in, but he lets me practice on the jane doe’s in the morgue, so thats a plus point.

Im hoping I get to visit you all again in south Africa soon, but hey you have to convince your parents to come overseas, I would love to take you all around America, and show you all the amazing sights. Forget Donald Trump you have Yazeed Moosa babe you have nothing to worry about 😉

If you have to see me at the moment you wouldn’t recognise me babe, I haven’t had time to shave or go for a haircut, the lack of eating has made me lose weight but I swear I look fatter than ever, as I have no time to workout. I would have sent you a picture but I look too horrible to show anyone.

Arya is enjoying herself with my sister Liyana and Zaeem, they keep sending me photos to make me jealous, and it is working to a certain extent.

I decided I wouldn’t intern for the whole two and half months but instead only intern for two months, and fly home to see my parents for two weeks and get all the pamperin before getting back to hard core work.

Pray for me babe, pray I manage to survive all this, and don’t fall under all the pressure, becoming a surgeon is not a joke.

Pass my slmz to Zaakir,

Love, Yazeed.


Folding the letter I put it in the envelope, and before sealing it, I remembered to put something inside. Arya had once given me a box of dried scented roses. She had gone shopping and seen these in one of the expensive antique shops and thought of me. I took one out and carefully placed it in the envelope, making sure the gold dust didn’t get rubbed off the rose, and sealed the envelope.

I wrote her address on the front and went to post it, stopping at the supermarket on the way back, and buying a few thins I needed.

I walked into the apartment, packed up all the things and heard my phone ringing. It was Arya trying to facetime me.

“ yo sis wasuup! “ I said with a grin.

She just gaped at me her mouth hanging open. “ Hey A what’s with the mouth? “ “ He couldn’t have changed that much in a few weeks. “ I heard Zaeem and Liyana saying in the backround.

She shut her mouth but still seemed at a loss for words, and confused me just stared at her raising my eyebrows. Soon the other two popped up next to her and Zaeem burst out laughing while Liyana just stared.

“ so does someone want to tell me what the fuss is about? “ I asked.

Liyana raised her eyebrows, “ have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? “

“ dude im the shabby bro always and after all the grief you all gave me, you become worse than me! “ Zaeem laughed.

Arya finally spoke, “ who are you and what have you done to my brother?! “

“ haha funny guys. Real funny! “ I rolled my eyes at them.

“ but seriously what the hell is going on bro? I feel like you should have rather come here and spent time with us, you probably would have looked much healthier than this. “ Liyana shouted at me.

I held up my hands before any of them could say anything further, “ lets just say you caught me at a bad time, you people do NOT understand, I literally have NO TIME! This internship is killing trust me! And and before any of you say anything, if you don’t believe me then ask dad he will tell you. “ I finished off dramatically with a laugh.

“ you’ve lost weight too! But i can still say my brother looks hot! “ Arya exclaimed, after scrutinising me.

“ yeah yeah, topic over sis, thank you. how are you what are you guys doin? “ I said changing the topic.

Arya grinned at me, “ you will not belive it but we are waiting to eat a very special dessert, made by our very own Zaeem here. “

I couldn’t keep the shock off my face, “ you’re saying Zaeem actually made something in the kitchen? That’s a first! “

“ I’ve got some skills bro, you just don’t know about them. “ zaeem lauhed.

We talked for about half an hour, continuously teasing each other, and I felt a pang of homesickness, seeing them all together. I felt it even more when they took their ramekins out of the fridge and showed me the dessert Zaeem had made. Obviously it made it so much more worse as it was one of my favourites, crème brulee!

Soon after I said my goodbyes, and took out my tub of ice cream from the freezer, and settled down on the sofa in front of the tv. It wasnt crème brulee, but oh well ice cream will have to do..

Yazeed collapsing in bed.

Scruffy yazeed.

Part 112. Yusuf. (past)

* Author’s note *

* salaam my people.. yes yes i am alive not yet dead 🙊😂

I know i was quite good and regular in october and then No Plan November hit me and well No Plan now 😝😂

Basically the thing is i am on holidaaay.. and you know how the last days before holidays are with packing and all so had no time and then i needed the week and a half to rest before i could come up with another post 😉 hehe..

So i hope you all enjoy this post.. this is where the past comes to a stop for a while.. next post shall be on one of the kids insha Allah.. i wont say who you’ll just have to wait and see 😉 and then it shall be on the present for some time now.. i hope i manage to post sooon again.. keep your fingers crossed 😊😁

Toodalooes xx *

Life sometimes takes drastic twists and turns, leaving you completely confused and alone. I went from being poster child to rebel so quickly I didn’t even realise where the change came from. Everything was happening so fast and it all went out of control within seconds, I was left standing in between the whirlwind that was my life, staring at it all swirling around me not knowing which way to go.

After my parents endless efforts I was finally able to get back on track, and continue on my path to success, but every once in a while I would find my mind go back to those days and those times, my mind playing tricks on me, pushing me to go back, and as a reminder of my past I would walk down these streets, to make sure I would never return there myself. 

And every once in a while I would find someone on the streets nearing to their death, and help them get back on track as much as I can.

Today was no different, I was plagued with endless thoughts and desires, making my concentration levels go down to zero, and so I decided to leave everything for tomorrow and make my way home.

On the way I decided to go the long way, a part of me hoping to find someone there so I could help them and get my head on straight, but another part of me hoping not to find anyone there.

Today the streets were quite full, but none of them caught my eye, half of them were drunk or high and sitting there hoping for more, but as I walked into one empty street, an arm popping out of the garbage bin caught my eye.

My breath hitched as I opened the lid and found myself staring at a thin young girl, her face was pale and drawn, her cheeks sunken in, her lips were blue with a trickle of blood down the side, she had been stripped naked, her frail body covered in bruises.

I checked her neck for a pulse and found a very weak one, I lifted her out of the bin, took my jacket off and covered her up. I decided to give her a full check-up myself before calling any authorities, as i have seen how badly these things can go.

As I checked her all over I found a stamp mark on the inner side of her wrist, it was quite small and faded but I caught it, and I knew it was the same person the police had been looking for, for such a long time. If I called this in now, it would end badly for her, and although I did not know her something made me stop and just like that I lifted her and carried her to my car.

I drove as fast as I could down to my loft, my secret hideout, the place where I had all my medical stuff, it was my mini hospital, where I treated people I needed to help out. It was my own secret hideout.

Parking the car, I checked around for signs of anyone, and when the coast was clear, I quickly carried her inside. Laying her down on the table, I put her on oxygen, and quickly did a few tests, it took an hour to get a full work up done, but at least in the mean time I managed to get her breathing, the results shocked me.

She had such a big overdose I was shocked she was still alive. I needed to pump her stomach out before any of her organs got completely destroyed. Setting everything up I started the job, it took me long as I was on my own and had no help. Finally after a few hours I was done and she was stable, but not yet conscious.

I knew I would have to stay the night in case she got up. I set my bed up in the other room and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. In what seemed like minutes I was awoken by screams, I jumped out of bed and walked through the hanging plastic curtains to find her awake and trying to pull off the drip on her arm.

I tried to calm her down, but seeing me the fear in her eyes increased, and she struggled even more, after what seemed like ages she calmed down. I sat on the stool next to her wondering how to get around this situation when I noticed she kept glancing at me, the fear ever so evident in her eyes, I couldn’t understand why.

I moved my hand to take hold of hers and she flinched so fast, I got even more confused. On closer look I realised her eyes kept going from my hands to my chest, I looked down and realised I only had my pants on, I had removed my shirt when getting into bed.

My eyes widened in horror as realisation dawned, she was terrified of me because I was half naked, and she thought I was going to have my way with her. I quickly got up and went to put my shirt back on.

It took me quite long to explain to her who I was and how I got her to my place, she calmed down quite a bit after all the explanation. Soon it was time for me to get to work even though I was exhausted beyond words. I hoped against all odds that I would find her here well and okay when I come back, and saying my goodbyes I left the loft.

The whole day my mind was plagued by those haunted eyes, I couldn’t say she was attractive, as the drugs and booze and god knows what else had changed her appearance, her eyes and cheeks were sunken in, dark circles under her eyes, white blotches all over her face, so skinny you could practically see her bones sticking out.

But there was something about her which pulled at my heart, something in those eyes that made me want to do a little more than necessary for her. As soon as all my work was complete I rushed to my apartment, had a shower and a change of clothes, went shopping which took longer than expected, as I had no clue what to buy for a girl!

After an hour of walking around clueless, I asked the assistant for help and managed to buy a few things, quickly paid and went to the grocery store for some food and then made my way to the loft.

Seeing her sitting on the sofa watching TV made me sigh in relief, for some reason I had expected her to be gone. The smile she gave me when she saw me gave me hope, hope for something good to come out of this. I gave her the bag with all the clothes and as she went to shower and change I cooked us a meal.

We ate in silence, the tv keeping us occupied, but there was so much I wanted to ask her, I needed to ask her, so many blank spaces that needed to be filled, I just didn’t know where and how to start. Giving it some time seemed like a good option, and so we sat there watching TV until I could see she was getting tired, making her bed for her I told her to sleep, and I spent half the night watching over her until sleep overtook me…

Part 111. Sumayya. (past)

 Life in a brothel. You would think growing up with a father who abuses you is bad, growing up with a father who rapes you is bad, then you are highly mistaken, living in a brothel is worse than any of those things, it made me wish I was still in that house with my father and taking his nonsense, than having to live in such a place.

I have been here for the past two weeks but it feels like 2 years of my life have passed me by. I may have a clean room, clothes and food to eat, just for myself, but the warehouse was safer.

That night when I walked to the end of the corridor to see what the sounds were about, I was horrified. There was a line of girls, butt naked, bent over tables giggling away, each one looked so high they probably didn’t know what was going on, and a few men were there ready to start on them, But that was not all, there was so much more going on in the room.

I may have lost all sense of my religion in my past years, but I still had my conscience. I was horrified at what my life had become, was what I ran from all those years ago all just for this? Was this the outcome of my life? Or was this punishment for abandoning my brother and sister?

I fell sick yet again, the horrific images of that night making my fever run high, evading sleep altogether, and no appetite. I lost so much weight all you could see on me was skin and bones, my eyes were sunk in, cheekbones sticking out, all in all I was a horrible sight to look at.

The good thing about being sick was no one came to touch me, and I wished myself to be sick for longer, but things don’t stand in my hands, and so two weeks later here I was all dressed up and in front of this man, who was giving me the up and down.

“ we cannot use this girl. “ he said with a frown, and I felt my heartrate go slow and let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding in.

“ but sir…” the woman tried to intervene.

“ no one is going to buy anything from someone who looks like that! Get some food into her and make her look more appealing, maybe we can use her in the videos. “ he said in his thick british accent, waving us away.

My heart san yet again, I was in for more than I had anticipated, I had to think of an escape plan. As the woman led me bag to my room, I surveyed the area, taking note of all the doors I passed and assessing the way out.

Thankfully when I was taken to the room where all the ‘movies’ would take place I was sent away yet again, as I didn’t fit the profile they were trying to look for in their movies. For now.

Every day we were all told to go into the dining area at meal times, with ladies at the end of each corridor to see everyone goes where they are supposed to, each one is given a plate of food and with it either a tablet or injection, depending on what they wanted you to have.

Every time a girl needed to be used for something she was given an extra dose. As a plan b I started to cut down on my dosages, I would only take half of my tablets and pocket the others. Unfortunately, that meant going through some withdrawal symptoms, but I dealt with it. I became very good at hiding my pain, and acting became a part of me.

As the weeks went by I made sure I ate good food and looked representable, so that I would be sent on deals rather than used in movies. Soon I became a regular of theirs in bars and parks, I knew my way in and out and I could smell trouble coming, leaving before I could get caught.

The police on these cases had nicknamed me mouse, according to them I would run out of sight like a mouse. In 6 months I had a whole supply of hidden stash, if I wanted to run off and do my own thing I would manage for some time, but of course the drugs in my system didn’t let that happen.

I got used to seeing well-dressed men, from respectable families walking in and out of the place, going into different rooms, paying the ladies at the door before they leave, after they have satisfied all their desires. It disgusted me to the core.

The thing with cutting on my dosages was that it sobered me up a little, I managed to find my way around and assess my situations with a clearer mind. Of course I still was an addict, I still had to take drugs every day in order to survive, but I managed to go through the withdrawal on my own and although I still had to depend on the drugs I had a plan A and a plan B.

After about nine months of being their ‘mouse’ I came up with an escape plan, every night all the doors would get locked up and the keys stayed with the main Madame. Her room was on the first floor, facing the entrance. One night I found a backpack in someone’s room and decided to flee.

Packing few of my things into the bag and half of my hidden stash, I walked quietly to the Madame’s room at 1 a.m. I had left the other half of my stash hidden in case my plan did not work and I needed to use plan B as my last resort.

I knew I was taking a very big chance, a risk that could end up too dangerous for me, but I needed to get out of this place before all the looks from the men got me in other difficult situations.

I managed to get the keys without any sound, and quietly walked to the door, unlocking it and as the door opened the first thing that hit me was the smell of fresh air and freedom. In my happiness and excitement, I didn’t realise I was actually being watched.

“ where are you going? “ a slurry voice asked me suddenly, and I froze in my tracks.

Slowly I turned around to see who it was, and sighed in relief, it was one of the men who helped keep the place intact, and I knew I should be worried, but the guy was always so drunk he didn’t know left from right.

“ I have to go make a deal. “ I said quickly and with a nod from him I walked out shutting the door behind me.

I must have taken only ten steps before the all the lights switched on at once blinding me, people started screaming and I was grabbed roughly and pushed around, until someone threw me down and as my head crashed onto the floor everything went black.

I woke up after what seemed like hours, in a strange room, and as I tried to move I couldn’t, looking around me with wild eyes I realised I was tied to the bed, both my arms on the corners of the bed posts and my legs too, I had been stripped naked and had no idea what was going on.

Someone barged in and seeing that I was awake went back out, soon there were a group of people in, few of the main guys and others I didn’t recognise.

One of the guys who usually sent me on deals sat on the bed next to me, “ we are here to understand why you were running, damn it girl! You have fucking been our best product here! You make all the fucking deals go smoothly! What the fuck was that for? “ I could tell he was really mad, but he was trying to protect me too and make sense of my decisions.

But before he could say or do anything else, one of the other men pushed him aside and leered at me, “ no one is allowed to leave this place without our permission! You got that whore?! “ he growled menacingly, making my insides go cold with fear. “ you are going to get severely punished for this today. “ and with that he sneered at me and got up whispering orders to the others.

I saw a few of them trying to argue on my behalf but the others looked like they were above them and their decision was final. I was drugged and made unconscious and left like that as they went away to make their plans.

For a week I was kept this way only to be untied for using the bathroom, at the end of the week they were all back in the room and I was told that tonight my punishment ended, but I was going to be kept under lock and key for a while, and other purposes were to be found for me.

I sighed in relief, thankful that nothing too serious had happened, only to have my heart yanked out when the door got locked and the pants started falling off, and the actual torture began.

My voice got hoarse from all my screaming, I was in excruciating pain, as one after the other they had their turn, sometimes so many together, I felt my insides being torn up and kept passing out, just to be woken up again to more pain.

After hours of extreme pain, they untied me, dragged me to my room and left me there, bleeding and a mess, and I passed out right there on the floor. I woke up hours later, seeing the blood all over my thighs tears streamed down my face, this was by far the worst thing that had ever happened to me, this was something I could never come back from, and I knew I had to end it all once and for all.

I crawled to the spot where I had hidden my stash and slowly removed the packets and packets of drugs I had hidden away, with tears rolling down my eyes, and a silent prayer of forgiveness to a lord whom I had long forgotten, I took each and every pill, telling myself that killing myself and ending my life was a thousand times better than what I had been put through.

As the last pill went down, I started feeling woozy, and slowly my insides started burning up, my eyes were open but I couldn’t move a muscle, my voice wanted to call out but my throat was stuck, and as pain took over every inch of my body my eyes started closing, and slowly everything went completely black…

* Author’s note*

* salaam my people.. hope you are all doing well.. look at how punctual with posts im being 😉😂 something to be proud of huh 😂😂

Okay so i know the past few posts have been graphic and disturbing and a lot to take in.. i know its a harsh reality and something we dont want to think of.. and you shall be happy to know this was the last of these kind of posts..

But i think we should really think about it and ponder on these things.. lets open our eyes and lets see what is going around us.. let us not stay sheltered and blinded by what is rightin front of us.. insha Allah i shall write out a short post on signs of different addictions.. keep a look out.. give our children love and support so that even if they want to turn there they will think a thousand times.. and thise that already have turnedto that give hem even more support and love to help get away from it all..

Okay enough of my ramblings.. hope you all enjoyed the post and hope it teaches us all something.. fi amanillah..

Toodalooes xx *

Part 110. Sumayya. (Past)

We were in front of a tall building, all around us the street was abuzz with smart well-dressed people, many of whom were going in and out of the building. Angie’s stories rang in my ears, about men in suits wanting a piece more of you late into the night, how they would never take no for an answer, as shivers ran down my spine.

This must be it, the place where it all happened, I though as I looked around me, fear crawling through my veins, making me shiver.

One of the guys shoved a packet in my bra, “ don’t you dare take that BITCH! Or these (indicating to his hands) will go around that (pointing at my neck) and then there will be no you! Understand?! “ he barked in my face.

I nodded, not yet over my revulsion of having his hands touch me. The other guy came forward smirking at me, “ here’s the deal bitch, today we shall know whether you are worth keeping or… well (he pushed his jacket aside to show me his gun) you get the gist. “ he licked his lips before pulling out a photo of a man from his pocket, “ this man is waiting inside this building, find him and make the deal, remember, no one is supposed to know what you are here for, if you get caught you are on your own, and if you mention us you shall be dead, get rid of that fear in your eyes bitch! That aint gonna help no one, and if you do as we say we have a little present for you. “

I stood rooted to the spot not wanting to go in, when I was roughly pushed around and more drugs got injected in me, “ what the fuck! Get going whore, we aint got all day! “ and just like that I walked in the place, my eyes darting around looking for the man in the grey suit.

The deal went down smoother than I expected, the drugs in my system making me do things I wouldn’t have otherwise done, the extreme flirting was so well done that the cops right next to us had no clue what was going on.

I was so high the thought of turning to the cops for help didn’t even register in my mind. As soon as the drugs wore off few hours later I puked my guts out, I couldn’t remember much of what had gone down but I wasn’t used to so much I my system at once and it made me fall sick.

Of course being sick in such situations means nothing, there is no sympathy from anyone, no one cares and you are left to fend for yourself, even if that means lying in your own puke and urine for days, not even the stench will make anyone help you. And those that wanted to help were warned against it, so with fear for their own lives they stayed away.

I was sick for ten days, not being able to eat or sleep, and in this situation they stopped giving me my daily dosage in full, I would only be given half, which made the pain worse for me, it was unbearable.

After ten days when I could finally stomach some food and be okay I got my full dosage and it was time for my next task already.

This time they asked for six of us, we all had to be dressed sexy and smart, our job was to go to a party and make the men happy there, of course we had been loaded with packets of drugs to help the party go on.

I wasn’t too afraid for I wasn’t alone, I had others with me, but when the party started to get out of hand, and the men started getting handsy one of the girls stole a phone and called the cops.

The place got raided within minutes, we managed to escape except for Angie, who had been dosed a little too much and had no idea what was going on, that night I lost my only friend in that big scary place. We didn’t see nor hear from her after that ever again.

Life for me after that day got worse, the guys and ma’am’s all thought I had been the one to call the cops and because of that I either got an over dosage or and under dosage everyday, if it was over I would be in immense pain and suffer, and if it was under it was not much less, the craving and need for more would hit me over and over again, the helplessness making me do things I would hate myself for.

Months and months went on like this, some days they would come in frustrated at a job gone wrong and beat the crap out of us. One night one of the guys came in high af and made his way to one of the new girls, having his way with her, her screams pierced through our ears, echoing through the room, reminding me of days I had put past me a long time ago.

For some time after that I started a routine of sorts, every night I would dress in rags, piss in my bed make sure I looked like hell and fall asleep, I didn’t care about the torture I would get for it the next day, at least I would be saved from getting raped, as I reeked way too much for them to get near me.

I was in this place, this hell hole for over a year, and had been made to do so many crimes I couldn’t even remember who I was anymore. Drugs became my best friend, my life, my everything. I couldn’t stay without drugs.

After a year had passed things changed a bit, the main guy running all the shit got killed in a gang fight, and we were all left just like that. A week later our supply’s ran out, the ma’am’s all left and we were left to fend for ourselves.

We were a group of thirteen girls, for one year, some for 6 months, we had been kept on a high, and when I say high I mean extreme high, ALL DAY. EVERY DAY.

Now take away a sweet from a child who has been having sweets for breakfast, lunch and dinner, hell even snack and teatime for a year, how do you think that kid would react?

We were all going crazy, the withdrawal symptoms driving us nuts, we didn’t know what to do or where to go, each one of us in our own pain, to be honest it was moments where I actually remembered islam, a religion so far behind me I could barely remember anything, but in those moments I remembered one vivid detail that had been told to me as a child, how on the day of judgement all people will be there naked to the bone, but no one interested in how the other is looking because, each will be engrossed in their own deeds and pains, and at that point all of us had gnawed on all our fingers, our clothes were torn and tattered, barely covering the basics, but not one looked at another, each one was writhing in her own pain, unbearable pain.

After two weeks of non stop pain, and nearing to death, we were all gasping for air, the stench and lack of food and water and drugs was intolerable, we were passed out for hours only to wake up to more pain, when one day the door opened, bringing in light after weeks.

Few men entered gagging at the sight and stench, but gauging the scene in front of them, we all stared blankly at them, helpless but hopeful. Hopeful for some help, hopeful to get free, but helpless to run from what was evident in front of our eyes. These people were not here to help us, they were here to take over from the others.

We were injected with something and soon we all passed out, when my eyes opened next, I was in a bed in a small room, all cleaned up and feeling much better, although awake I was slightly woozy. I heard a few sounds coming outside the door and decided to investigate.

Opening the door as quietly as I could, I tiptoed out into the hallway. The sounds were disturbing and coming from the end of the passage, I walked till the door quietly, turning the knob slowly, my heart jumped in my throat at what I saw in front of me, my eyes popped wide open, my jaw hitting the floor, before anyone could notice me and ask me to join I slowly closed the door and ran back to the room I had woken up in, sliding against the closed door, tears running down my face.

Is this what my life had come to? Is this how I am going to end up? Do I have no power left over myself? How did this happen? Why did this happen? This was something I had promised never to do, and today I am living in such a place, even if it is against my own will?! What am I going to do?

These questions ran through my mind constantly, my whole body shivering as true realisation dawned, as my future loomed ahead in complete darkness, and I screamed out in frustration, screaming and screaming until someone barged in and injected me with something, and within seconds I was passed out…

Part 109. Sumayya. (Past)

* Author’s note *

* salaam my people.. hope you are all doing well.. just a small note to say this post has a bit of a vulgar language and most of the next posts will have much more.. please bare with me.. it is becoz of where the story is going that it is like that.. 

Saying this i hope you all enjoy the post and keep the feedback coming.. appreciate the support..

Toodalooes xx*

Life of a drug addict is hard, once an addict there is always that chance that you will slip back and fall again, no matter how long you have been clean. Till today, even after so many years have passed me by, I stay away from medication and temptation, because anything small too, can trigger the switch and then you are doomed.

Those days after I left were tough on me, I had no one to protect me. Initially it had been my idea to leave but after seeing those boys at my doorstep I didn’t want to go with them, but it was too late, I had no choice…



The gun in his hand shut me up and I followed them out quietly. They took me to an abandoned warehouse, where I was locked up. After they left I walked around the empty space and found other girls in one corner, I walked towards them with trepidation, not knowing what to expect from them.

“ hello “ my voice croaked hoarsely.

A few sneered at me, their bloodshot eyes indicating how high they were, others looked me up and down turning their faces away with a glare, some looked at me in pity, only one called out to me, “ hey come sit here. “ she said patting the spot next to her.

I walked over to her and sat down avoiding the looks from the other girls. “ why are you here? “ the girl asked me, she didn’t look much older than me and I was wondering the same about her.

“ I don’t know, I reached for help to one of my boyfriends friends, and these guys turned up instead and I was brought here, what is this place? “ I asked looking around, not knowing what to expect.

“ we were all brought here by force by people who had done business with people we knew, something goes wrong they pick the girls and bring them here, now we have to do as they say or else its doomday. “ was the answer I got.

I looked at her my eyes widening in fright “ ohkay, so what exactly are we made to do? “ I asked.

She gave me a hard look before she continued, “ depends on what they feel like, sometimes we are sent off to do their deals, so that they don’t get caught, sometimes someone needs eye candy for the night and we are sent to look pretty on their arms, sometimes we are taken to random mugging spots and made to do the dirty work. Nothing is easy here, but if you are taken to do their deals it is the safest option, trust me. “ she ended off with a shudder that sent shivers down my spine.

Her words brought fear into my every bone, knowing I could be raped or worse in here, knowing not how fate would treat me.

Suddenly one of the big burly girls came up to us, glaring at the two of us, ” what the fuck is going on here? Can you two shut the fuck up! This aint a fucking party yo! You whores better keep your traps shut or I’ll shutem for you! ” and with a menacing snarl she stomped off.

In the next three, four days I got to know all the girls around me, there were those who were the men’s puppets, the big burly ones, we had to be careful of what is said in front of them, they controlled everything.

Then there were those who would look at me in pity, knowing I was the new girl and knowing what was going to happen to me. There were also those who were kept so high they actually enjoyed anything and everything thrown their way, but they hated new comers and so of course that meant more hate for me.

The only person who I could talk to and rely on was Angie, the girl who told me everything on the first day, she was merely a few years older than me, but her eyes told a bigger story.

Everyday we had to do some chore or the other given to us by the ma’am’s, as we had to call the puppets, and only if they were satisfied would we get our dosage for the day. One look of disgust or one word against what they tell you, and no fix for the day, which meant pain over pain.

The guys hadn’t been by us for over a week, when one morning just before we all got up, there was a loud bang and four guys walked in, talking and laughing loudly. I woke up in a fright, and as my eyes opened I watched them leering at us, checking all of us out, I closed my eyes shut tightly, willing for it all to be just a dream.

Suddenly I was pulled by my feet and dragged half way across the room, as my feet fell I slowly opened my eyes the fear evident in my eyes.

“ get the fuck up you whore! “ one of them barked.

I quickly got up pulling my dress down, trying to keep myself covered.

“ LOOK AT ME BITCH! “ the other one screamed in my ear as he pulled my head back by my hair.

I whimpered in pain, as he pulled some of my hair out of the roots, and he sneered in my face. “ we have fuck loads for you to do today, “ he said licking his lips.

He pushed me roughly towards one of the ma’am’s, and I stumbled as I fell in front of her feet, “ clean her up good, we shall be back in an hour to fetch her, oh and give her a shot of this shit shall you. “ he said throwing a small vial to her.

I was told to bath and clean myself up, after which they dressed me up in short shorts, a tank top, hair made, with my face plastered in makeup, I looked and felt like a dirty slut, and I hated every part of myself at that point, I felt so disgusting I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I wished for it to happen but as luck would have it, nothing of the sort happened.

True to their word they were back in an hour, and i was injected with whatever was in the vial making me slightly woozy, again I got the look of pity, hatred and helplessness from all the others, I had no idea what to expect, I had no idea where they were taking me, I had no idea how badly this would end up, how much it would damage me in the process, I had no control, I just had to do as they said, or the gun pressed into me would blow up my insides.

My life was in control of others, in control of people who had no care for me at all. I knew in the depths of my heart that i was doomed, that there was no way out of this bad fate of mine and i could do nothing about it.

We reached our destination and as i came out of the car, i prepared myself for the worst and as my eyes scanned the area i knew i was in for the worst..

confessions of my heart

Keto Queen

Learning and promoting low carb, healthy fat dieting for weightloss and for improving insulin resistance and health.

Bint Nazir

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